Brian Yuzna was starting to be a name I looked for in the producer credits of semi-obscure horror movies, since I enjoyed two movies he produced just this week. Unfortunately he directed this one and it is an absolute train wreck. (maybe he should stick to producing) I am trying really had to think of something nice to say but I keep going over and over it in my mind and there just isn’t anything I can think of. There are more thing about this film that make no sense at all than things that do.

Story:

I guess in order to avoid having to explain anything to the viewer the movie is set in the semi-near future, 2018 if I remember correctly (I am not going to fire this DVD up again just to check) and we all know (wink wink) that the near future is a weird place when anything is possible. Somehow in the space of 13 years from now all women have become prostitutes, and men have been evenly divided between fugitives and prison guards. Also it has somehow become possible in such a short time to replace a dog’s skeleton with metal. Having a metal skeleton will (in the future) allow a dog to be beaten to a pulp with a lead pipe, shot at close range in the face with a 12-guage, thrown from the back of a moving semi-truck, and finally incinerated with high octane aviation fuel and it will still chase after people it doesn’t like with ruthless determination.

 Other strange things will happen in the future too, you will be able to bury a body in damp beach sand, leave it there for over 6 months and it will not decay. Also even if it is buried only 3 inches deep none of it will come up to the surface during those 6 months.

In the future, if a dog bites you, and you survive, the bite will start bleeding again every time the dog attacks someone. This is how you will know that the dog is getting closer.

 Also in the future, if a dog kills someone, you will be able to break their body apart like a roasted chicken. So if you are chained to a person that gets killed by a dog, it’s really no problem to get free.

 And finally future dogs with metal skeletons will be able to outrun vehicles on the freeway, and they will have suction pads on the bottom of their feet so that they can jump on top of speeding trucks without sliding off. (Anyone who’s seen a real dog try to brake or turn a tight corner on a slick surface knows what I’m talking about)

 The future is a scary place and we need to start preparing ourselves now and learning anti-rottweiler-with-metal-skeletons defense techniques because otherwise we will have no hope of survival.

Where this movie shines:

It doesn’t. This movie is a total turd. Well, there is one scene where a woman has her still-beating heart eaten by the dog and I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before so you might call it creative or original.

What sucks about this film:

Everything. The dialogue is horrible. Every single sentence uttered by any of the characters grates on your ears like scraping your knuckles on a cyclone fence. Screenwriter Miguel Tejada-Flores either has a very poor grasp of English or else he has never witnessed human beings having actual conversations.  I believe it must be the former and so I am not going to come down too hard on the guy since I speak a couple of other languages as well and I know it’s not easy to come off like a native speaker if you’re not one. It does seem like he could have gotten some help with the dialogue though, or better yet just made a movie in Spanish.

Conclusion:

I spent the last hour of this movie convinced it was going nowhere and just waiting for it to end so I could talk trash about it. A little towards the end as the protagonist makes it out of the desert I thought that maybe the movie would redeem itself by letting us know what the hell was going on, but alas, no such redemption was forthcoming. If you’ve read my other reviews you know I don’t ask a lot from a movie, and I dare say this one is a complete waste of every resource invested in it.