Chasing Ghosts (2005)

 I like seeing movies with Meatloaf in them; even though there aren’t many and he’s obviously no (insert name of good actor here) he does ad some atmosphere just by being Meatloaf. Also I enjoy Michael Madsen’s acting and I think he’s underappreciated. That’s why I really wanted to give this movie an honest try. I tried to watch it exactly 3 times, and I just could not stay interested long enough to figure out what the hell was supposed to be going on. I think it’s great to have a plot that’s a little complicated, but when the movie itself isn’t interesting enough to convince you to stick around until you start “getting” it then something is wrong. After 3 attempts I stopped trying to force feed myself this movie.

 Stealth (2005)

 Jessica Biel, the chick from “Lost” is hot, we all know that. And her acting is at least good enough that she doesn’t screw a movie up just by being in it. Unfortunately the dialogue is so poorly written that many viewers might be led to think that her acting is terrible and that she is a complete idiot. And that Jamie Foxx is a complete idiot, etc. I didn’t want my image of these people shot so I had to stop watching after about 15 minutes. The dialogue was just that bad. If it had been written by people who don’t speak English and marketed to 3-year olds then I can understand, but as it is I can’t. Y’all done a bad thing.

Sasquatch Hunters (2005)

 
Dialogue sounds like it was literally made up by the cast on the spot for each scene. Chemistry between cast members in most dialogues is the kind of awkward timing you get when you put two ragingly horny teenagers together and they are both completely turned off by one other and scared shitless at the same time that the other one likes them. (Oh shut up, you know exactly what I’m talking about) During the opening scene where the rednecks are out hunting with a double barrel shotgun and two 9 millimeter handguns you know right away this whole thing was impromptu. What do you hunt with that gear? Beer cans? I think I managed to watch for seven minutes or something phenomenal like that.

The Aristocrats (2005)

 
This is supposed to be a documentary featuring a ton of famous comedians all telling the same joke. I watched until the first one told the damn joke. It wasn’t funny. No way I was gonna listen to it over and over. What a dumb idea.

American Pie: Bandcamp (2005)

 
 Here’s a formula that works: Take American Pie, remove everything about it that works especially the cast and leave in everything stupid. Add more stupid stuff and go straight to video. Yum. I lasted about 10 minutes.

Cheerleader Autopsy (2003)

Well round up the local crack whores and let’s make a cheerleader/necrophelia movie with’em. Make no effort to hide their love handles or full-body tattoos and most important: get the one with the worst boobs to show them to us in the opening scene. The audience will forgive us because we are going to ad fart jokes and make fun of rednecks. Or not.